Family-friendly, groan-worthy, and guaranteed to make someone roll their eyes.

There’s something magical about a dad joke. It’s predictable. It’s cheesy. And somehow… it still works.

If you’re looking for clean dad jokes you can safely tell at school, work, or the dinner table, you’re in the right place.

Below are some of my favourite studio family-friendly dad jokes, organised by category, that I use in my studio during most of my routines, including my actor headshot sessions. Brace yourself.

Classic Dad Jokes

• I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
• Did you hear about a guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
• Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
• I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
• I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
• What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
• I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
• Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
• I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
• How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
• Kid: “I’m hungry” Dad: “Hi hungry, I’m dad”. 
• “My wife was sick of my lack of direction. We always fought about it. So I packed up my bags and right”.

Food Dad Jokes

• Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
• I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
• Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged.
• Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.
• Why don’t eggs like jokes? They might crack up.
• What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
• Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It felt crummy.
• What do you get when you make humorous soup? Laughing stock.
• Kid: “Dad, make me a sandwich!” Dad: “Poof, you’re a sandwich!” 
• Kid: spills pea from plate. Dad says: “did you just pee on the floor?“
• Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!” 

Animal Dad Jokes

• Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
• Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks.
• What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
• Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
• Why don’t elephants use computers? They’re afraid of the mouse.
• Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
• Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
• What did the crocodile wear to the beach? Crocs.
•  asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels. She said, “Try Sarah Topps”.

School & Work Dad Jokes

• Why did the math book look sad? Too many problems.
• I once got fired from a calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
• I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
• I told a joke about construction… but I’m still working on it.
• Why did the computer go to the dentist? Bluetooth.
• Why don’t programmers like nature? Too many bugs.

Sports Dad Jokes

• Why did the golfer get a new pair of pants? Because he got a hole in one

Truly Terrible (The Groan Zone)

• What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
• I tried to write with a broken pencil. It was pointless.
• I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey… but I turned myself around.
• I told ten jokes to make my friend laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
• I would tell you a joke about paper… but it’s tearable.
• What’s a karate kids favourite drink? Waataaaaaaa!
• Why did the Ram run off the cliff? It didn’t see the ewe turn.
• I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
• What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
• As we drive past a cemetery, my dad always says “That’s the dead centre of town”.
• I named my horse mayo…. mayo neighs.

GOT A GOOD DAD JOKE WORTHY OF THE HALL OF FAME?

If you’ve got a dad joke so bad it’s actually impressive, don’t keep it to yourself.

Email it to hello@dalehooleyphoto.co.uk or leave it in the comments below and let’s build the ultimate collection of groan-worthy greatness.